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Turkey Day Declared illegal by EPA |
TURKEY DAY DECLARED ILLEGAL BY EPA
WASHINGTON, D.C: Today in an hour long dispute, Thanksgiving celebration, or as some like to call it, Turkey Day, has been declared illegal by the US government. Gnoot Gingwhich said, "People are murderous scoundrels. They kill turkeys, and for WHAT!? JUST FOR A GOOD FAMILY TIME, AND LAUGHTER? SCANDELOUS I TELL YOU, SCANDELOUS!" There have been six hundred bomb threats to the whitehouse in the past ten minutes alone, mostly by old people who like to drink wine while terrorizing their infant grandchildren with stories from the past. Says one Bubba Jim Joe Jack Jesse Jacky Jimmy Joe "Pay paw" Johnson, "Ah yoosed tah tell mah grayund sun storahs, now these government hoes be comin' along like some oh dem black folk back in the thirties, tryin to steal mah property and whatnot..." Unfortunately we couldn't print his entire story as that would have taken up the whole "E" section.
The EPA declared that Turkeys have the same rights as humans, and that even though they taste good with stuffing, people shouldn't be so cruel. Miss somethingorother, the spokeswoman for the EPA, says, "We basically banned Thanksgiving because no one in the EPA really enjoys having fun with our family. Mostly, our families are inbred cult leaders with genital problems." When asked why they had to press their personal problems on everyone else in the nation, she replied, "Don't fuck with the Turkeys, yo, or else I'll get my tree-hugging homies to incarcerate your ass."
"If I see another Turkey with it's head missing... we'll bomb all major Turkey slaughterhouses and stores that carry Turkey or Turkey products. These are cowardly acts, and they should be punished severely for even THINKING about hurting those poor ugly looking creatures who don't do shit except run around and make annoying fucking gobbling sounds. Oh what the hell am I saying, I think everyone should go out and cap one just for the fun of it." These were President Bill Klintocks words right before he was incarcerated by a bunch of people dressed in bell-bottoms and wearing "hippy looking shit," as the Vice President put it.
In other news, Sadam Hussein has syphillus and gonohrrea.