 |
Southern Baptists Adopt New Policy of Tolerance |
CREIGHTON, MISSISSIPPI- In a startling change of doctrine, Reverend John D. Nixon of Creighton Southern Baptist Church announched a new policy of tolerance toward disadvantaged children. "We have come to beee-lieve," Reverend Nixon bellowed, "that, according to the bible, God does not hate ree-tards. At least not retarded children."
This controversial change occured when a member of the Crieghton congregation gave birth to a down-syndrome child, Isaac Lucius. Mrs. Lucius, eyes tearing with joy, tells her story. "I know Jesus wouldn't reject my baby-boy after I sold my precious mobile home and donated the money to God. Now I have to sell my body to make ends meet, but the Reverend says that because my body is a temple, Jesus has no objections to a negro crack-dealer penetrating my anus. As long as I donate the earnings to the Creighton congregation, of course." Mrs Lucius is also proud that her son is now allowed to handle poisonous snakes as a test of his faith, knowing that Jesus would protect him from being bitten. "My other two sons, Matthew and Luke, died of venom wounds at the devil-tempting ages of two and four. They had to have been evil little boys, but I know Jesus, our Savior, loves this one."
Reverend Nixon admits he was at first skeptical of admitting little Isaac. "At first, I naturally thought he was an abomination from Satan! But then God came to me, in a vision, and said to me, 'He who shalt donate his heart, soul, and all of his paycheck to me, is my disciple.' I then knew that Isaac was His chosen one." Reverend Nixon has also just purchased a $500,000 home for his family.
Reverend Nixon assures that nothing else in the Southern Baptist dogma has changed. "God still hates black people, AIDS victims, democrats, and homosexuals; and commands us, as his children, to burn their homes and rape their families. Those goddamn devil-worshipping atheists are still going to hell, too." When told that atheists do not believe in the devil either, the reverend replied, "I've got a right to be ignorant. I'm a god-fearing American, you cocky jap-loving bastard!"