Hackers Stage Protest, Demand School to "Free Kervin!"


In a highly organized protest occuring last saturday, computer hackers gathered in front of Lewis Junior High School to solicit the release of "Kervin", a pet rock confiscated at the school computer lab by teacher Elaine Marken. Kervin, an arrow-head shaped rock, was impounded nearly 6 months ago when Mrs. Marken found a group of teenagers trying to "crack" the computer's CPU with Kervin.

"This is completely unfair! We know hacking is illegal. But we don't think smashing the rock into the disk drive was destructive. In the end, it would have exposed essential flaws in the architecture," says a 12-year-old hacker by the nick "olos." Olos declined to mention why those flaws did not exist until he and his friends clamped a padlock on the network card and motherboard in an attempt to "secure the system."

"Free Kervin!" shouts the predominantly male group gathered in front of the junior high school. They are an intimidating eight people, unfazed as the other children toss milk boxes in their faces. One hacker speaks with a megaphone: "Currently the NYC public school system has kept Kervin in Mrs. Marken's desk drawer without bail, without a trial, and has consistently violated its constitutional rights! This case affects all of us, and our rights as citizens!" claims hacker ringleader Emmaculate Goldspleen. Goldspleen runs a popular hacker 'zine, whose young kiddie-haxor market also serves as a pool for models for his photography hobby. Goldspleen declined to comment on this subject other than this statement: "Little boys are very beautiful to me and my friend Mr. Pokey."

Kervin is a modern-day political prisoner who has been put away for something people don't understand." Rumors indicate that this refers to the fact that 'Kervin' is involved in Emmaculate's bizarre masturbation routine.

Goldspleen stood determined. "We must fight for the freedom of Kervin, or all hackers everywhere are in danger. Please send me 45.95 and a baby picture of yourself, and I will send you my magazine so you too can be a k-r4d hax0r!"