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Domain Provider Replaces Employees With Drooling Chimps |
-Saltlick City, Utah
Nethoaxing, a leading national provider of affordable business and personal internet domains for the world wide web, just announced a new employee design which would allow Nethoaxing to provide cheaper rates to its customers. In a brilliant management move, Nethoaxing laid off all of its unnecessary support and billing employees, which constituted the company's largest expenses. In their stead, Nethoaxing hired replacement top-qualified brown and black-coated Swahili chimpanzees. One Nethoaxing representative beams brightly describing the role of Toppo, a new hiree: "Toppo weighs in at 170 pounds and has a shiny coat. That's a very important quality in this business." Toppo also affirmed his commitment to the company and its policies. "Ooo oo ieee a," he exclaimed while baring his teeth in anticipation, phelgm dribbling down his chin.
"These new chimpanzees have been a great investment," Nethoaxing states. "Instead of wasting customer money hiring human beings to rack their brains, thinking of excuses for why our servers are down and why we haven't set up their domains after 3 weeks, we have apes whom we can hire to say equally meaningless bullshit for hundreds less bananas a day." Nethoaxing declined to comment on the situation of families of laid-off employees who no longer have bananas to eat.
One ex-Nethoaxing employee expressed his outrage at the recent layoffs. "Those guys can't do this!" he said, whining pointedly. "I'm forever, you bastards!" he exclaimed as a 13 year-old boy stole his pocket protector and smashed his glasses under his shoe.
"Humans may have evolved from our fellow chimpanzees. In 10 million years, these creatures will be our intellectual equals!" Nethoaxing affirms. Nethoaxing also notes that is about how long it currently takes them to process an order for domain setup.